Monday, October 8, 2012

Appetite

Over the past couple of years, I've learned that I actually do have some specific deficits that cause me problems. One of the worst and most persistent is a lack of appetite.  I've recently written a piece on my relationship with violence (I'll be reading it at the Litquake Litcrawl next week in San Francisco. Please come!), and it brought home to me my disconnection from my body.

Lately my eating habits have been thrown off, and I started drinking again. Not getting shitfaced, but solitary drinking is bad, period. And I'd been doing so well, for so long.

I looked at it, and realized I've been delaying eating until I'm uncomfortable, then drinking to get an appetite. Keep in mind that my back pain plays into this -- if I followed doctors orders, I'd be a Vicodin addict. But this is the behavior that triggered the vomiting that eventually caused my ulcer a couple of years back, and I'm doing it again.

And it's exactly what my mom would have done.

Mom's been on my mind. The anniversary of her death was last week. When we found out she was going, it was because her neighbor called me and told me someone needed to come put my mother in the hospital. When we found her, she weighed less than eighty pounds.

She had piles of Gourmet magazines all over the house, and two outbuildings full of shelves full of cookbooks.

My mother hated eating, threw up more than anyone I've ever known, never weighed more than a hundred pounds unless she was pregnant. And I'm just like her in a lot of ways.

The missus recently pointed out to me that as an adult, unless I have a woman taking care of me, my weight drifts down to about a hundred and forty-five pounds. For someone my height, that's painfully, visibly underweight. Since my injury, my weight went from a low of one-forty-five to a high of two-fifty-five. Right now, I'm going about two-oh-five, but these days I dip below two hundred during times of stress.

Since my ulcer, I've been eating a lot of processed food. It costs a lot, and it can't possibly be good for me, but the convenience has meant the difference between me eating, and me not eating.

What threw me off? Stress, and the missus has started making herself salads for lunch instead of having me make her vegetables. As a result, I'm no longer tied to a specific lunch time, and she's in the kitchen when I'd be cooking and it just throws everything off. Once I started skipping lunches, I started skipping breakfast as well, which means that I couldn't be bothered to open a bottle of the Ensure I keep at my workstation.

It's nine in the morning, I've been up since seven, my stomach is twitchy. I haven't peed and I haven't had my Ensure. This is exactly what I'm talking about. I'll be back in a moment.

Leak taken, and a strawberry Ensure has been cracked. (Strawberry Ensure has a flavor best described as 'uncanny,' and I won't be having more once this is gone.) But this is the kind of thing I face. If I hadn't been writing on the subject now, I would have blandly sat here until I was in danger of peeing my pants. That is the level of motivation I require. And if the result of not going to the bathroom was injury rather than embarrassment? I'd only pee when things became unbearable.

That is pathological.

I was talking to my counselor about this. One of the main focuses of my therapy has been improving my self-esteem, and I had decided that I was ready to start working toward loving myself, "Look, it's really hard to take care of a human being," I said. "You just can't do the job unless you love the person you're taking care of. It's an indispensable motivation."

When I engage in self-destructive behavior, it hurts the people around me in a much more direct fashion than I'd imagined. Now that I'm starting to take this in, I find my concern for others mandates concern for myself.

So I need to find a way to crack this nut. I need to be able to feed myself, and I especially need to be able to feed myself when I travel.

Thankfully, I am in a better position to hack this than I was a year ago. I've learned a few tricks.

Here's one. I need some sense of outside contact in order to make this change, so I'm going to keep a food diary on the blog. So:

10/08/12

A vanilla Orgain nutritional drink.
A bottle of strawberry soda.
A bowl of beans with a couple of slices of bread.

That looks fucking awful, doesn't it? No wonder I feel shitty. Hopefully, today will be better.

The goal? Three small meals and three snacks a day and no eating three hours before bed is recommended for ulcers. Given my sleeping schedule, I'll cheat a little on that last one. No more processed crap, no more sodas. Just eat like a fucking grownup for the first time in my life.

One day at a time, isn't that what they say?


Sunday, October 7, 2012

My New Publisher

Here's one of the big pieces of news I've been holding onto. Do not panic, oaf supporters, I am still diligently pursuing traditional routes of publication.

But, yeah, I am now proud to be a December House writer. Wait a minute, they've upgraded me. I'm an author now! I am now proud to be a December house author. And how I got to be a December House author is a perfect example of the ruling principle of my life: every day is backwards day.

Let's get a little perspective here.

When I started studying writing, there was one type of e-book available, the electronic Bible. E-readers were a prediction, and not a convincing one -- the monitor issue was a long way from being solved.

Then the Kindle hit, and things changed. For better or worse -- I hear good arguments for better, I have good arguments for worse -- e-publication is now part of the publication world, a strange kingdom to itself.

I should say -- the last time I had an argument on e-books? I argued against, my new friend argued for, and we were standing in a bookstore that I had patronized since I was a teenager. The bookstore was closing. This is the world I'm entering as a writer.

Given the relative ease and affordability of the process, an lot of writers have gone to self-published e-books as a major part of their careers, including my pals Samuel T. Crown and Barbara J. Webb. Since I either have or have access to the full range of skills necessary to produce a finished publication, this tempts me.

But I don't trust the world of e-publication. I once had a career as an internet animation writer, and it evaporated overnight when the dotcom crash hit. But I started getting curious. People were claiming they had careers doing this stuff. And then there's the whole, "It's only cowardice that prevents self-publication," argument.

Yeah, cowardice and an interest in bookstore sales and critical recognition. Like it or not, e-publications are at a distance from recognition by the literary community. Right now, I'm seeing bookstores going down, and a digital literary culture forming around the concept of writing fast crap for bargain hunters with specialized tastes, kind of like porno. It's pretty depressing.

And exciting. It is a frontier... and it isn't going away any time soon. The market is real. The market is here.

So while I was sweltering during the last throes of Ghost Rock, I would fantasize about writing fast crap and throwing it out there, pulp-style, just to see what would happen.

The project I had in mind was inspired by some of my favorite books from childhood passing into the public domain, and by my rock alter-ego, Dethro Jethro Peckerwood.

The book was going to be called A Princess of Yuggoth, and it was going to be a white-trash extravaganza meshing A Princess of Mars with The Whisperer in the Darkness. It would open with Dethro Jethro explaining to some Fungi why we no longer call that creepy piece of space trash Yuggoth a planet, and the probable climax would be when Jethro actually gets to grips with Dejah Thoris, to discover, during an act of oral sex, that egg-laying mammals are monotremes.

It was going to be filthy.

Write it in one shot, don't even do spellcheck. Not only would I be doing e-publication, I'd be doing culture of appropriation. Hitting up all my taboos.

Of course, I chickened out. The last thing I want to do is make myself less interesting to the Big Six publishers, and self-publishing willfully incompetent trash seemed a little off.

Then Neil started bugging me. You know Neil Vogler? Writer and musician? An internet pal of mine. Neil had a brilliant plan, which also involved writer P.T. Dilloway. Neil's brilliant plan was appealing to me because it was a perfect example of my leading principle. He found a major event, and figured out how to do the opposite of the approved behavior in order to get attention. (Every day is backwards day.) Neil's brilliant plan involved me doing some writing, and I said no.

A few times.

Neil is both persuasive and tenacious, and if you're willing to work at it, you can pretty much get me to do anything. And one of the reasons I have friends is because they get me into trouble. So I agreed to a semi-commitment. I'd do some, but not all. Just a taste.

Wafer-thin. Just messing around, no big deal, just keeping myself busy between drafts. Nothing to see here.

So I started thinking about what I could do, and I started to get a few ideas percolating, and then Neil went and sold the damned project to an e-publisher. December House, as it happens. And December House had a...

Let me put it this way. December House is not an amateur-night outfit. They are serious. They have real-world experience and tradition-busting approaches. They value the writer. I'll go further. This is the first contract I ever read that felt author-friendly. I might not like the ocean, but this is a hell of a boat. Getting in early with an ambitious crew is not a bad thing at all.

That kind of killed my casual, throwaway attitude. It is now incumbent on me to write a full sequence rather than the half-portion to which I had committed, and to write it well enough to bring credit to my name.

I, being who I am, figured this meant that I was endangering my relationship with the mainstream publishing world, that it might not be good for my reputation, that...

I've got a publisher! This is a career disaster!

(Every day is backwards day.)

Then I remembered my dreams for A Princess of Yuggoth,  And my curiosity about the e-market, which despite my preferences has been the dominant force in my writing career thus far. And all of a sudden, my situation stopped screaming faux pas and started murmuring, 'plausible deniability.'

I have no idea where this is going. But the fun has already justified the work. I love that I signed the contract before I even came up with the ideas for most of the stories. It totally pressed my 'Pro from Dover' buttons.

I will provide further details when the security clearance comes through.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Engagement

The main reason I haven't been posting much lately is that my life has grown very difficult to talk about. There is no brief description, and the details are all dramatic. Hinting at shit is odious, and telling all is impossible and disastrous.

I am not used to a life that's complicated enough so that you have to compartmentalize.

While there have been a lot of upheavals in my life recently, I have been more emotionally stable and genuinely happy in the last six months than at any other time in my life. I am developing a solid, positive image of myself, and my levels of self-care have improved dramatically...

But they've recently taken a dip. So right now, I'm trying to find ways of giving things a boost.
And blogging when I don't have a good post is something that's actually good for me in the long run.

Like it or not, this blog is as much a journal as anything else, and if I hold back on what I write because I'm afraid of looking like a wimp or a braggart or a sot or a lunatic or a regular old boring no-talent hump?

Then I won't know what mood I was in on that date, in that year. And I've found it tremendously helpful to be able to track myself through the blog. "Oh, I was in exactly the same miserable state for different reasons the last four years in a row. I'm just gonna be miserable for a while, and it's no big deal."

But for the record, most of this last long blank spot on my blog has been spent in giddy self-discovery. Between counseling, a wider experience of life, and seeing myself on video? It turns out all that crap people say about me is true. And I haven't been blogging because if you talk that stuff about yourself, it turns out you're an asshole.

I will say this.

I have been engaging with the world on the wrong terms. For someone like me to be shy, and reticent, and self-deprecating? It tends to come off as stuck-up. I have more of an impact on the people around me than I really understood, and if I'm going to live up to my own standards, I'm going to have to learn to be more friendly, social, and open.

The horror.

I am also facing a situation where on one hand, people are saying, "When you get rich," as though is a fated thing, and others are saying, "You know, the government earmarks money for people like you. There is no shame in going on disability!"

Well, actually, there is. The process has been made intentionally humiliating, and there are no shortage of people to give you attitude about not being a productive member of society.

So I am trying to introduce myself to the world as a legitimate figure of the arts, while worrying about whether or not I should apply for disability, whether I deserve it, whether I can get it, and whether or not putting myself through the process might actually damage me, delicate hothouse flower that I am.

What has been pointed out to me, is that the characteristics that can suit someone for a public, creative life can make them difficult to employ. That the two things are not contradictory.

And while that is going on... You know that scene in The Big Lebowski where Donnie gets a strike when he's bowling, and as he walks away from the lane, he grins and does this little hand thing and says, "I'm throwing rocks tonight!" That's what the writing feels like.

That's the thing. The art and the writing are great. But I'm a work in transition, and things have been rocky. So that's why I'm blogging to day.

Just trying to return to a state of engagement.


Thursday, September 27, 2012

Henry Cleary and Such

Some of my old paleo-art has gotten noticed over at Love in the Time of Chasmosaurs -- check it out!


Henry Cleary is a big, solid guy who lives out at Point Richmond sometime a few years from now. Henry thinks of himself as a sculptor working in biotechnological media, but if you break down the numbers, he's spending money on his art. Mostly, he does odd jobs.

Very odd jobs. So far he's reluctantly used gene therapy to un-pug a pug, helped a teenager whose wireless tattoo had been hijacked, and rescued a rooster who's had a few chromosomes suppressed to make it distinctly saurian.

Henry's world is the San Francisco East Bay, green and gold in the hills and urban sprawl in the flats. Henry likes to feel useful, and he has a lot of friends who are happy to oblige him. His stories are anecdotes rather than dramas. Leave your grim-and-gritty behind, and slip into a low-key good-natured bio-bohemia as comfortable as a well-worn T-shirt.

I can't really tell you any more than that right now, but things are going on with Henry. Let me put it this way. It's not just that I can't say -- it's that I don't even understand it. The whole damned world has gone insane. This could be nothing, it could be big, it could be covered in weeping sores or it could be decked out in a low-cut evening gown.

When I say the whole damned world has gone insane, I include myself, of course. Do you know what I did the other day? Of course not!

I cut a rough preliminary version of a bumper for an upcoming videocast. Since I'm torturing you with the Henry Cleary thing and some other stuff, this I can talk about.

I've decided to take the memoir pieces I've been performing for Lip Service West and do a series of video podcasts or whatever the fuck you call them. They'll be done in sets of seven, each set to be collected on DVD. The collective series is called Bone Chips. When I've mined out all productive veins of horror in my early life, the series ends, and I attempt to take all the individual pieces and rework them into a book. Cool art pal Deborah Kuchar is handling the filming, and I'm doing everything else.

So I'm working out the titles, the bumpers, the bits at the beginning and the end. And this is where everything gets screwy. I'm presenting myself to the public in a sixteen-second clip. It would be nice to say, "I"m just showing myself as I am," but. There's no such thing as that. Every time you present yourself to the public, you are making a statement about how you want to be viewed.

It's nice to think about presenting yourself in a totally unmediated way. But once you realize that you have options, the bloom is off the rose. You can't just 'be yourself' when you're writing a script or storyboarding a video.

So right now, I'm in the process of crafting a public image based on material written to define my self-image. It's like infinity, man, and it's freaking me out.

Or maybe I'm  just getting what everyone needs in this glutinous swamp of media we inhabit, the equalizer that lets us face the icons on their own home turf -- stark acoustic theme music, and a chilling glance at the camera as the last note is plucked.

Hey, the whole damned world's gone insane. I may as well have a little fun with it.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

When In Doubt, Delete


I just erased a very, very sensitive post about my very, very sensitive feelings. (See image above.)

Fuck my sensitive feelings.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Litquake


I've been sitting on this one for a while. I'll be reading for Joe and Justine Clifford's Lip Service West series at this year's Litquake. I'm really looking forward to this. I've been working hard on my piece, and I've had to improve my skills to pull this one off.

It deals with my relationship to violence and how I've alternately internalized and externalized rage, fear, and the need for control. It's forced me to look at myself and my life seriously, and to settle a whole set of internal conflicts that have eaten up a lot of my energy over the years. It also features what the Comics Code used to refer to as an 'injury-to-eye motif.'

What can I say? I write literary memoir, but I'm a pulp character.

A lot of artists who have a dramatic back story like mine wind up returning to their traumas over and over again because that's the material they have. I am not writing about my history and disabilities because that is my subject of choice. I am writing about them because it is one of the ways I'm healing myself. But I'm not going to spend the rest of my life obsessing over my issues. When I'm done with this material, I'm done with it.

So I have to do it right this time around.

If you look it up on the Litquake calendar, this show is called Gritty, Raw, and Real. I don't plan on letting down the team.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Fantasy Of The Future

This illustration is the work of Virgil Finlay from Famous Fantastic Mysteries, August 1950; all rights to the holder.

Here’s a fun game. Let’s take a literary theme – fantasy fiction set in the far future – and follow a line of association and influence that has lasted more than a hundred years. While this is intended to give some of my friends who write inside genre fiction some avenues of exploration, if you get the feeling I’ve got a bug up my ass about the relationship between genre fiction and the larger culture, well. You can’t talk about anything without letting your perspective show. And don't ignore the links -- the earlier works are available for free on-line, so you can give them a taste if you're curious.

And rather than repeatedly qualifying statements of opinion, I state up-front that when I make judgments on the quality or nature of a work? Those would be opinions. And they would be based on my most recent reading of the work in question, and my positions on literature shift rapidly in response to my own writing, and I might actually have different feelings about everything by the time you’re reading this.

Okay?

This branch of fantasy is distinguished by a sense of strangeness beyond that of fantasy based on folklore or its corporate derivatives – in some ways the imaginative effort required overlaps with that of science fiction. No wonder, considering how it started out.

The Time Machine by H.G. Wells was first published in 1895. While Wells wrote the first works that have the shape and flavor of modern science fiction, they were written and published in a time when genre as we know it did not exist. The groundwork had been laid primarily by Edgar Allen Poe (I am so tempted to include The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym in this list – it isn’t set in the future, but it shares much of the spirit of the works I discuss) and other newspaper writers, but Wells was a gifted, mature novelist with serious literary concerns.

This is the most readable book on this list, and in many ways the freshest and most modern. It was written for a general audience rather than people specifically seeking out fantasy. And the others affect an air of antiquity, deliberately and to pleasing effect, but requiring more specific tastes.

The pattern in most of Wells’ science fiction is to take one fantasy element – the ‘gimme’ – and then extrapolate logically and convincingly from there. In this case, an unnamed Traveller builds a machine that allows him to travel through time. (Glad to have nailed that down for you. The uncertainty you’ve suffered all these years must have been crippling.) He lands in a future where mankind has speciated in a fashion informed by Dickens’ social consciousness applied to Darwin’s principals of natural selection.

Semi-Spoiler Alert: So when the Traveler gets it on with Weena, is it bestiality or child abuse? I agree with the Morlock who said, “It’s in extremely poor taste to fuck them.”

Semi-Semi-Spoiler Alert: More puerile sniggers ahead, unfortunately.

While Wells was scientifically literate and employed his knowledge of evolution, geology, and astrology to The Time Machine, His brand of science fiction resides comfortably in the realm of fantasy. He used scientific thought and speculative games to give a modern gloss to the old form of the parable. His straightforward, purposeful storytelling is still lively, entertaining, and thought-provoking.


Illustration by Jason Van Hollander. All Rights to Holder.

At the end of The Time Machine, there are a series of tableaux showing the decay and end of life on Earth. There is a cold, distant, overwhelming pessimism to these scenes that left me shaken as a child. These scenes influenced William Hope Hodgson, first in the final sections of The House on the Borderland, and then the long novel The Night Land.

The Night Land is brutal, romantic, bleak, and above all visionary. And in many ways it’s the first modern fantasy novel. It shows the remnants of mankind dwindling in the night that follows the sun’s death. Monstrosity itself has fixed its eye on the survivors. Here and in the fiction of Algernon Blackwood lie the real roots of the Cthulhu mythos. If you crave visions of beings and places you have never seen before, you must read this book.

But it isn’t easy. It’s written in an affected archaic style that, like its framing sequence, seemed to influence the much-better-written The Worm Ouroboros. And it’s mainly focused on one of the most hilariously cringe-inducing romances in the history of literature.

The basic elements of the Harlequin/Boone & MIlls-style romance evolved fairly early in the primordial soup, and they are all on display here. While the reticence of the author and its times draw a discreet veil, it is pretty obvious that as the two lead characters make their way across the chill landscape, crossing from one volcanic pit to another, that they are obsessed with one another. This allows the reader the fun of figuring out where they are in their physical relationship at any given point in the story – “She’s giving him the tongue. She has to be giving him the tongue.”

The thing is, is that they have the kind of relationship that makes heterosexual monogamy seem like the kinkiest fucking thing in the universe. Her little shoes and his great manly chest and there’s even a part where he hits her because she places his needs ahead of hers. It did not say that when he hits her it feels like a kiss, but this is strongly implied.

EEW!

So I can cringe and giggle through the boring romance crap, but you’ll have to find your own way of filling the gaps between Humped Men and giant slugs and that horrible Face.

It’s important to remember that for a long time, this was the first and only work of its kind. Back in the old days – which extended to my adulthood – there weren’t many real fantasy novels, and if you had a taste for this stuff, you read pretty much all of it. So while The Night Land seems eccentric and obscure now, any fantasy writer working before around 1960 at least tried reading the son of a bitch, and it influenced most of them to some degree. You can’t read the thing and not have your imaginary landscape enlarged…

Illustration by Jason Van Hollander. All Rights to Holder.

Zothique is a super-continent formed in the far future when all the continents have collided into a single landmass. Clarke Asthon Smith’s stories aren’t so much stories as prose poems, sensory impressions laden with just enough narrative to string them together like beads on a necklace. Rather than write series based on characters, he would write multiple stories in a setting such as Zothique, linked more by mood than by geographical details or shared characters.

And the mood of Zothique is decadent. It's worth hunting down the unexpurgated versions of these stories -- like asafetida, a touch of filth can be a fine seasoning.

Smith was originally known as a poet, and was celebrated in literary circles in the early part of the century. However, during the depression his parents fell ill and he turned to fiction to support them.

The first Zothique story, Empire of the Necromancers appeared in Weird Tales magazine in 1932. It is interesting to reflect that the author in this essay with the clearest links to high literature would also be the first published in a genre market.

But despite Smith’s popularity – he was one of the four most popular writers ever appearing in Weird Tales, along with Robert E. Howard, H.P. Lovecraft and “Number one in the day, where is he now?” Seabury Quinn – he had difficulty getting a lot of his work published. His prose style is not so much purple as ultraviolet, he had a strong erotic component to his work, and as I said, he was not a big fan of narrative.

The stories of Zothique have the distinct hashish-and-absinthe flavor of a French decadent – Rimbaud LINK, Baudalaire – after a heavy dose of Burton’s Arabian Nights. They glisten, they gleam and in their hearts they are as delectably rotten as Stilton.

Painting by Brom for the Science Fiction Book Club edition of The Complete Dying Earth. All Rights to Holder.

Which is the opposite tone from that of Jack Vance’s The Dying Earth. While set under a dying red sun, these stories mingle their decadence with an oddly light, floral effect. While there is much slyness and cruelty, there are hints of innocence and romance here that are dear and sweet. These are fairy tales, complete in themselves. Beautifully written, like most Vance, these works represent escapism at its best.

The second Dying Earth series features the character Cugel the Clever in two books, The Eyes of the Overworld, and Cugel’s Saga, have an entirely different tone. Cugel is a dirty man in a dirty world, and fuck you all if you don’t like it. It is also some of the best humor in fantasy. If you ever thought Wodehouse might be improved by less morals and more monsters, then step aboard.

The tone of the Rhialto the Marvelous stories, with which Vance finished his tour of the Dying Earth, lies somewhere between. The exchanges of alliance and hostilities between a group of eccentric and semi-inept magicians, it is fluff. But it is delectable fluff.
Let me be honest. Collectively, these are among my favorite stories, period. I've been periodically re-reading them since early childhood, with growing pleasure. So there's that.

Painting by Don Maitz; All rights to holder.

In Gene Wolfe’s The Shadow of the Torturer, there is a scene mentioning The Book of Gold, which lies on a library shelf. And if a child picks it up, they usually put it down. But if a child becomes ensnared by The Book of Gold, it falls into a state of servitude to the contents of the book that is both delightful and unnerving.

Wolfe has stated that The Book of Gold is actually Vance's The Dying Earth.

Now here’s something that I find fascinating. While Wolfe is the author in this list who is the most thoroughly ‘of’ genre – his works have been almost entirely published as genre material, he has studied with and taught genre writers, etc, etc – of the authors I discuss here, his work has the most in common with the current literary mainstream.

Wolfe first appeared in association with science fiction’s New Wave of the late sixties and early seventies. The New Wave brought the techniques of the modernists of the thirties and forties and applied them to genre-influenced material and themes, while also maintaining a strong connection to pop culture, especially music and the psychedelic influence. That said, Wolfe gives the impression of being anything but a hippy. Rather, he is a serious literary artist attempting to come to terms with the mixed influences of high and popular culture.

The Book of the New Sun, composed of The Shadow of the Torturer, The Claw of the Conciliator, The Sword of the Lictor, and Citadel of the Autarch, has a reflective, introspective quality, along with a genuine interest in character and mature, graceful prose. Rather than trying to amp up the excitement in the pulp style, this presents its events as regular old events in people’s lives. It also has the speculative thought games that are the real delight of science fiction. In these qualities, it was a conscious model for my own novel. On the other hand, despite being the story of an orphan boy who becomes king, the overall effect is a tad flat in the modernist manner. You nod your head – ‘yeah, life’s like that’ – but you don’t feel as if you actually got anywhere. But who cares when the trip is so nice?

And there we go. If there's any interest in more of this kind of thing, let me know -- I've got loads of this stored in my backbrain.