For And Against

So Erin O'Brian had (another) great post on her blog (don't be a fool -- click here), and with her kind permission I'm swiping the idea. It seems a lot healthier than a similar post I made a while ago. Tell you the truth? The fact that she ran out of things to be against leaves me stunned and humbled. She must not have a seething cauldron of hate where her heart should be, unlike certain people wearing my boots.

(And check it out! It looks like I topped ten thousand hits a few days back. I know that's not much in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly gratifies me.)

I am for broccoli rabe with Italian sausage and garlic-roasted potatoes.

I am against grated carrot salad with raisins, dressed with mayo.

I am for conservatives who support small government and liberals who support social welfare.

I am against mosquito bites.

I am for man-eating sharks.

I am against cell phones.

I am for stomp-boxes.

I am against seafood.

I am for garlic, leeks, chives, shallots, and yellow, red, and green onions.

I am against elephant garlic.

I am for shank, chuck, short ribs, jowls, tails, and stray chunks of gristle.

I am against boneless skinless chicken breasts and fillet Mignon.

I am for the Declaration of Independence, the Preamble, and the Bill of Rights.

I am against the Federalist Papers and the bulk of the Constitution.

I am for members of the city counsel.

I am against Presidents.

I am for rockets, robots, and rayguns.

I am against the kind of pornography where you can't tell whether it looks more like open-heart surgery or a PBS special on marine invertebrates.

I am for naked fat chicks.

I am against the way the fast food industry has destroyed the collective palate and metabolism of our nation.

I am for a bacon-cheeseburger with grilled onions and fries.

I am against Laughing Cow cheese.

I am for Stilton.

I am against breeding more humans.

I am for kids.

(This is how a childless man winds up changing diapers and babysitting.)

I am against people who crowd me off the sidewalk. (I'm thinking about instituting a 'let 'em bounce off of me if that's what they want' policy.)

I am for coconut crabs.

I am against papillons.

Actually, there's this book called Animals Dangerous To Man? I'm for all those guys.

I'm against adorable little bright-eyed fuzzy creatures that bite like hell.

I am for Roger Corman.

I am against Steven Spielberg.

(That's right. I'd rather watch Carnosaur than Jurassic Park, and I'd rather watch my severed foot be eaten by maggots than watch any other Spielberg movie. Except for Catch Me If You Can, which was actually pretty good.)

I am for women whose looks don't even come into the question because, you know, they just got it.

I am against women whose attempts to look and smell perfectly feminine have rendered them flammable.

I am for the brutal.

I am against the fabulous.

I am for unexpected kindness and true courtesy.

I am against etiquette.

I am for twenty-ounce tumblers that you can drop on cement and the glass won't break.

I am against goblets.

I am for beer.

I am against coffee.

I am for over-proof liquor.

I am against disgustingly sweet girly shots and twenty-proof schnaps that tastes as though it came from the syrup cruet at IHOP.

I'm for the syrup cruet at IHOP. I may never eat there again, but come on! They got boysenberry.

I'm against store-bought blackberries.

I'm for home-grown tomatoes. Why else would you want a yard?

I'm for M.F.K. Fisher.

I'm against Danielle Steele.

I'm for that crazy lady who posts reviews of classic fiction on Amazon that say there's no such thing as good or bad in fiction and it's all a matter of taste and she likes Danielle Steele so she's gonna put the boot to Dostoevsky.

I am for most hangovers.

I am against the rest of them.

I am for pet rats.

I am against pet guinea pigs. (As a friend of my mom's once said, "Zoey, you're the only person in the world who would pay twenty bucks for a rock that shits.")

I am against cleaning shit off of everything all the time. How did this wind up being my responsibility?

I am for science.

I am against people who believe that makes me a tool of the devil.

I am for the kind of music I've never heard before.

I'm against the kind of music the neighbors play.

I am for good old-fashioned beer-guzzling nut-scratching pussy-talking, ass-kicking, thick-fingered scar-coated greasy masculinity and fuck you all.

I'm against the idea that any other kind of masculinity is suspect.

I am for brilliant, funny, creative, driven people.

I am against the fact that nine-tenths of those folks are bugfucking crazy and will break your heart and leave you frightened for their well-being every so often.

I'm for the crappy genre fiction I read and the trashy movies I watch.

I'm against the crappy genre fiction you read (Eeeww, you read cozy mysteries?) and the trashy movies you watch.

I'm for pretension.

I'm against ostentatiously reglar folks who are proud to be half-witted livestock and who think that 'common sense' trumps expertise.

I'm for blue-collar types.

I'm against cars.

I'm for boats.

I'm against watching sports.

I'm for playing sports.

And hey. If you've read this far? Thanks, pal. Agree with me or not, I'm for you.