Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Lack of Enterprise


So today I let myself get sucked into this thing over on Amy's blog, and then I sent her my critical pieces on Star Wars and so on, and then this evening?

I got to finish the job. The missus and I just sat down to try watching Star Trek: The New Generation.

I like it when we have a TV show to watch. It's kind of a drag, but it's still time spent together. I'll watch some fairly dubious crap for the privilege of sharing a couch with her.

So we sat down to the first episode of Star Trek: The New Generation, and I didn't last a full ten minutes. Here's how it went, dialog slightly paraphrased:

Q: You are fighty guys and I do not like you. Get the fuck out of here.

Captain Picard: Aw, dude! No way!

Me: Jesus, this dialog is fucking awful.

The Missus: Shhh!

Q: Blah blah blah blah 'your fellow comrade' blah blah blah.

Me: Holy shit! Fellow comrade? They paid someone for both those words at the same time?

The Missus: Shhh!

Q: You know what your problem is? You fight on Christmas and you fight on your birthday and when you get up in the morning you pack a lunch so you can fight until dinner. That's what your problem is.

Captain Picard: No, we are not either fighty guys and that is not the problem at all. You know what the problem is? Space dildos. Space dildos like you.

Me: Bwahahahahahahah!

The Missus: Leave. Now.

So here you go. My critical position on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

I'm not allowed to watch it because I don't like it the right way.

4 comments:

Traumador said...

To be fair the pilot is one of the worst episodes of that show (followed by almost all the others of the first and second season)...

Though I agree with you, it is at least good for a laugh or ten.

Amy said...

Oh, Sean. Your paraphrase of the dialogue is priceless.

EFKelley said...

Wait, Amy, you're saying that ISN'T what was said? (checks episode) No, Sean has it right.

Yes, first season was pretty damn rocky. Here's a rundown of the ones I'd suggest seeing.

A star is next to each one that you'll tear your eyes out about, but at least you're earning your Trek cred.

Again, I only recommend the starred episodes because of the meta-plot (such as it is).

*3 - The Naked Now (Data gets laid)
4 - Code of Honor
*6 - Where No One Has Gone Before (Ugh. Wesley)
8 - Justice
10 - Hide and Q
*11 - Haven (The missus will kill you if you watch this together. Keep the pause handy for bouts of uncontrollable laughter)
*13 - Datalore (zomg MOAR DATA!)
14 - Angel One
15 - 11001001
17 - When the Bough Breaks
*19 - Coming of Age (Ugh. Wesley)
20 - Heart of Glory
21 - Arsenal of Freedom
22 - Symbiosis (Probably the best episode of this season, and still not stellar)
23 - Skin of Evil (This is what happens when you leave the show early)
*25 - Conspiracy (Get a bucket)
26 - The Neutral Zone (Not too bad)

In fact, here's the Season 2 rundown:

*27 - The Child (Barely rates the star. Skip it if you want.)
29 - Elementary Dear Data (This one isn't bad at all, though the writers had no idea how a computer works.)
*30 - The Outrageous Okona (Only because Teri Hatcher is in it for about 2 minutes. Rawwrr!)
31 - Loud as a WHisper
*32 - The Schizoid Man (You'll love this one. Hilarity abounds, and just... you will love it)
33 -Unnatural Selection (Not bad)
34 - A Matter of Honor (Getting better)
35 - Measure of a Man (Easily in the top five episode of all Trek and all time. Written by my BioWare buddy Melinda Snodgrass. And it was only produced because Roddenberry was ill for that month.)
*36 - The Dauphin (Ugh. Wesley)
37 - Contagion
38 - The Royale (Another one you'll love for the secondary characters.)
*40 - The Icarus Factor (Love that Japanese tech armor! Hurrrlll!!! But you have to see it if you and I are to discuss Riker's character arc.)
41 - Pen Pals (Another awesome episode from Melinda. Good clean fun.)
42 - Q Who (A superior episode. Finally an enemy the Federation can't talk to death.)
43 - Samaritan Snare (Excellent. And sets up what I consider to be the very best Trek episode ever written in Season 6. Also: Pakleds. You'll love them.)
44 - Up the Long Ladder (Another Melinda episode. Whatever beverage Worf served the Irishman, I want one of those.)
45 - Manhunt (Space Cougar!)
46 - The Emissary (Excellent.)
47 - Peak Performance

And there you enter Season 3, most of which are good. In fact, 3, 4, and 5 are all quite good. Season 6 has some of the best and worst of the series. Season 7 starts to backslide towards Season 1, but that just feels right to my writer brain that always wants to end a story back where it started.

Hmm, wrote more than I intended. Still, I don't think you can go wrong with this guide. Remember, starred episodes might just kill you. Or the missus will, because you will not be able to keep your mouth shut. Yet, they must be seen for the full TNG experience. Episodes I don't mention should be avoided like plague. In fact, if you watch one, the Hague might be on the phone to talk about war crimes against your brain.

Let us know how it turns out!

Sean Craven said...

Traumador, it looks like Eric has your back. I'll be giving it another shot.

And I actually saw that last joke in the form of a D&D-style random encounter chart:

16 -- It turns out they're Adam and Eve.
17 -- Someone owes Fred Saberhagen money again.
18 -- Omnipotent space dildo.